This week I hit my save $17,000 to payoff He Who Shall Not Be Named (Ex-Spouse). Now I only owe him $15,000 which I can pay off with a loan from my credit union if he demands the money. I presume he is spending my 401K and living large but he'll eventually demand the rest so now I feel ready.
On the sad side, my room mate has told me she can't stand living with me because of the way I keep the kitchen and that I slight her and make her feel invisible. I was shocked. I thought she was just being grumpy and distant because she's like that alot. She seems to have a power thing going her - after telling me she's leaving she demanded I fix a hinge on her bedroom door.
Then she paid me half the rest of the month's rent - and told me she would be paying $300 a month now because she had car problems.
After discussing this with my priest, I wrote her a note which I'll put on the counter tomorrow morning before i go to church. I'm telling her - no- you don't tell me what the rent is and you owe me $100 bucks and #2 I want a date when you will be out of the house because this arrangement isn't working out. If you don't give me a date, then I'll give you one. (Local law stipulates 1 to 2 months unless they don't pay rent).
I don't think I am having any more roomates after this. I thought everything was relatively fine, while she was apparently miserable and expecting me to understand all this through ESP.
I'm thankful that her paying rent helped me reach the goal of $17,000 to pay the Ex, but I don't need to put up with this kind of stuff to survive.
I'm kind of proud that I am not blaming myself for all of this. In the past I would have been sure I'm a bad person, but right now, I realize I did this as a favor. I did a lot of very kind things for her - including forgiving one month's rent. Since she didn't actually communicate in English about what was bugging her, and instead just stewed about it (again -my ESP is really poor) and since I in no way was trying to be mean or thoughtless, I think she's just taking advantage of me and in some kind of power thing of dictating to me.
Now that I've reached this financial goal, my next goals are improvements to the house:
new mail box
security screen door
flowers
lemon tree
fix sprinkler to area where lemon tree will be
insulated windows
insulation in attic
and maybe an HP netbook to use at work and write my stories on.
Roth IRA
I have saved $17K - Another Goal Reached and Roomate Problems
December 12th, 2010 at 06:54 am
December 12th, 2010 at 02:20 pm 1292163602
December 12th, 2010 at 02:27 pm 1292164076
December 12th, 2010 at 05:10 pm 1292173831
December 12th, 2010 at 05:32 pm 1292175168
I'm divorced too, starting over again is both exciting and challenging, isn't it? I'm sorry it hasn't gone too well with the roommate. I have a roommmate too, but he is a relative, so its a different dynamic.
December 12th, 2010 at 09:19 pm 1292188787
December 13th, 2010 at 03:59 am 1292212741
Living with/renting a room from, my ex-step-dad is working out fairly well, but I too am majorly looking forward to the day when I am in a place of my own again.
December 24th, 2010 at 05:33 pm 1293211981
Jerry
February 23rd, 2011 at 12:32 am 1298421170
I read your blog today, in full. You are an inspiration, how do you remain so positive!!!! Though you lost a lot, you manage to keep levity in your writings.
You are an amazing person!
February 23rd, 2011 at 02:44 am 1298429084
Thank you, that's encouraging. God is good!
Take care of yourself.
February 23rd, 2011 at 01:01 pm 1298466119
Lisa
February 25th, 2011 at 08:49 pm 1298666982
I usually don't talk on the forums, but would be glad to if you wish. What are you most interested in?
February 26th, 2011 at 12:47 am 1298681246
You seem balanced, I need to find that again. I just don't know how.
February 26th, 2011 at 01:51 am 1298685110
How on earth he got your entire 401K is beyond me - that is devastating. And paying him alimony is horrendous. I was fortunate in giving him cash-out in lieu of alimony - i think that would have made it worse.
The first thing I realized when I got involved in the divorce process is that not matter how it tries, the justice system is not fair. I suppose it tries, but every divorce is different. I think if the system was fair, my ex should have been strung up in the middle of town and used as a pinata, but that's not going to happen.
The second thing I have tried for, and believe me, it is a work in progress, is to not hate him, and to not be bitter, because that only hurts me, not him.
I have a friend who divorced her husband, a lawyer, got nothing, and was treated shabbily. It has been years since the divorce. She is still dwelling in hatred and bitterness and it has hurt her ability to take responsiblity for her life.
I'm not saying that my ex-husband is not a jerk, or unfaithful, or a user of people with sociopathic and anti-social tendencies. He is. And getting divorced hasn't changed him.
But I'm rid of him and now I can take responsiblity for my life and grow and find some serenity that i didn't have before because he was controlling me and cutting me off from people.
Yes, he put me in a poor financial position. Yes, what he got was unfair. Yes, it sucks, but I still have my life and I get to live without him anymore.
I guess what has helped the most, is trying not to be bitter and realizing that its a darn good thing he's gone. I still have a life. Now I'm just trying to define me and find out what I like and to have some control.
I wish you the best. This has got to be more stressful than losing a spouse to death (I think on the life scale of stress it is too), and its hard.
So, now apparently you are in a much worse position financially. What do you still have? Can you start new retirement savings? Do you have time and money to do little things for yourself and to pamper or at least nourish yourself? How about emotionally? Do you feel like you need a romantic relationship to be a success or to have selfworth?
Let me know.
February 26th, 2011 at 02:08 pm 1298729289
I have been through a divorce, too, which really compromised me financially, and emotionally, too. None of it was my fault, but....
Life is not fair. That is the starting point. If you expect fairness, you will always be miserable. What you CAN expect is that you have the power within yourself to rise from the ashes, to get on with your life, even to forgive, because hating him only hurts YOU in the end. I would recommend that every moment of the day you find something to appreciate, and be thankful for it. You can even be thankful for what you are going through now, because you are learning so much about your strength and your ability to master adversity. Every night write down five things you are grateful for. When you have a negative thought, say to yourself, yes, that's an interesting feeling, and then send it away. Not everything you think is true, especially the negative thoughts.
If you do these things, you will be happier, and happy is the bonus that is better than money, than revenge, than anything else.
I wish you the very best.
February 26th, 2011 at 09:21 pm 1298755274
I am 46, my 401k has 16k and my IRAS have 12k. The attorney goofed up and said my IRAS were rolled into the 401k when we were splitting up the asset. My attorney misrepresented it, but I am on the hook because I didn't catch it. That is how I got rooked on that. That is how I found you; by internet searching others who have had the same problem.
After years of struggling financially and living paycheck to paycheck, I went back to school and got an MSA found a lucrative job and started paying off all my debts. This was not a smart thing on my part. I should have paid off my low interest school loan instead of the second mortgage. Things we learn... the hard way.
I now make a nice sum of money, and I will survive day to day, but rebuilding my IRAS or 401k will be tough in the short run, as I have to pay him alimony of 700 a month for 3.5 years. I did get the alimony as non-modifiable. This guarantees that when he becomes disabled he won't come knocking for more years. It is a gamble, but I need to shake this albatross. With the mon-modifiable I have to ensure that I continue to make the money I currently do. I am in automotive, so it truly is a crap shoot.
Everyday that I wake, it feels like groundhog day. I try to find the positives, which I have plenty and focus away from the negatives. As you are well aware, when you have been with a mentally and emotionally abusive person, you have a short friend list, because part of the control is making them (the abuser) the center of your life. I have one new friend and I try not to burden her with ALL my problems.
I do have strength, I do have the power to take control of my life, but somedays the negative thoughts poke me all day. It's maddening.
I know in the short run, It will not be easy. I also have a 16 year old daughter, that ended up being split custody, so i also pay child support. That will end soon.
I have no desire to become romantically involved at this point. A bit skittish there. This is the first time I have truly been free of someone who has controlled me for so long.
What do i have left? My earnings. Half the equity in the house. approx 22k, and what i have in savings 12k I think I will try to refinance it rather than sell it. I need some emotional stability and the house gives me that feeling. On the same token if i sell it he gets less in net proceeds about 6k. But... I need something to call home for me and my daughter.
I know this choice was the best choice, divorcing him. I just had no idea how it would cost me, in the short run.
February 27th, 2011 at 06:48 am 1298789338
I know I'm not together enough to have a relationship. I'm a professional obeyer of men. So I'm not going to define myself by marriage.
I know the short term circumstances for both of us were catastrophic financially. I had a house for $89K with $34K paid off, and now I have a house with $91 to pay off. Fortunately he took 60% of the house value, in lieu of alimony, but it still feels like he won.
I understand he is remarried and has a house now. I am assuming he cashed in my 401K (he got $89K out of it). I understand he's taking illegal drugs. I bet he's doing it on my dime.
This does suck in the short run for you, and damned if I don't truly understand the being kept from having friends.
I am learning to enjoy my own company and to enjoy other people. I'm getting really good at saving and being thrifty.
We should have some kind of on-line chat room for women in recovery from divorce where we can just hug each other and say "you have worth, you are special and you can are are making it".
Hugs to you Lisa for surviving!!!
February 27th, 2011 at 01:36 pm 1298813793
Thank you for the kind words and the dose of reality. It's not fair, but it is what it is. I have to pick myself up and move forward every day. It will get better eventually.
I have to set some goals. First, remortgage the house before my house value drops. Second, adjust spending to my new paycheck. Third, start enjoying life, this is why i divorced. I recall thinking that all the financial freedom was not really worth it if i was not truly living.
February 27th, 2011 at 01:39 pm 1298813950
Your loan on your house is more than it's value? I have to look at loans that are going to similiar I think. How long is your loan for? Do you have to pay PMI as well?
February 27th, 2011 at 09:20 pm 1298841641
Sounds like you are making good plans. I find myself budgeting for at least one outing to some event a month - something to look forward to like a county fair or a day trip.