I've been divorced over a year, and am still working to pay off the ex-spouse. This last month, I've completely screwed up on saving and have spent money on eating out and on just stuff that I wanted.

So this is a note to me to encourage me as to why I'm doing this.

I know I feel angry right now. I am just coming to grips with new emotions about the divorce because at first I was so terrified I would have done anything to get away. Now I'm angry because I'm the one paying him money. I suppose I should be wildly grateful he didn't get away with more, but I feel like I'm being punished. I still have to save another $17K and instead of being proud of myself for saving so much, I'm angry because I'm saving for him instead of me.

And this anger is working itself out in unplanned purchases and I am spending more than I wanted to. I'm also doing things like losing receipts and not marking down things quickly.

So while I know that I have to work and save to pay him off, I also want to be able to work and save for me. I want to be able to start paying down my shiny new mortgage (because of course he got all the equity I built up). Because if I don't, I'll never retire.

And I want to have fun. I want to have money to go out to eat with friends, and to go explore new places.

I went to the aquarium of the pacific yesterday. I spent more than I budgeted for and I'm aggravated about it. I had paid for the trip, so entry and gas were all budgeted, but I gave my self $25 to pay for food, and that wasn't enough, I purhased little gifts for people, I spent $2.00 for tea, $6.50 for a drink and snack, and $29 for a meal and then $16 on little items (how they do stack up), 9 dollars for feeding little cute birds, and $1 for a tip for the driver.

And through it all I was angry because no one else on the trip was alone, just me. Because I have been trained not to make friends, because my husband always made it a priority to cut me off from people.

So I'm both depressed and angry and that's impacting my focus.

So now I have new goals:
1) Pay off Ex-spouse (find some of his old underwear and set fire to it in the barbecue and dance around it when he's paid off).
2) Set a budget to do fun things that cost money (like going out to eat with a girl friend or exploring the coast line in California).
3) Start cleaning up my house with the goal of being able to entertain.
4) Also save and add to an emergency fund (I do have one but it doesn't have enough in it)
5) Also save and start a Roth IRA with whatever the minimum is(I'm guessing $1000).
6) Start doing more socially.
7) Take care of myself instead of treating myself like I'm not worth anything.

3 weeks ago, I met a financial goal and put 1000 dollars in my IRA. Its still not there. The bank in town where I do business is really working on this, and I told them I expect in all ways to receive interest for the full 3 weeks, but right now I'd just like to see the money in my account.

They tell me they are having a problem with my check, which is from old bank they purchased. I still am using old checks (why pay for new ones?). Well - apparently they took the money but just still haven't figured out how to put it in the IRA account.

I'm getting extremely distrustful of financial institutions. Man oh Man - keep all receipts and verify everything.