I got a check from the old mortgage company, which is made out to me and the ex. So, I'm signing it and sending to my attorney with instructions to give it to the ex-hubby so my debt to him is now down to $31,363.20 - more than $1000 less debt.

I could have kept the money, but my bank won't cash it without his signature and a notary, or a copy of his driver's license and all sorts of pain and suffering, and since the money is all mine, he wouldn't sign it because he wouldn't get anything for it.

Its still a ton of money, more than I have ever owed in my life, but its also wonderful to see a little chunk of it go down.

I feel thanksful.

I now have a new 30 year mortgage (I wanted a 20 year mortgage, but they are not available for my situation).

I have $93K to pay off. The mortgage company sent me a notice that I can pay every two weeks if I want. The idea being that they will be getting extra payments that way.

What I don't like is they take it out of either your savings account or your checking account. Also, I'm not sure that I want to do it this way. I want to pay ahead on my mortgage, which starts in November. I have the will and know how to pay ahead on principal without using this type of system. Does anyone have any thoughts on the subject?

An old friend wrote me an email and asked if i have a room to rent. So I'm painting the room tomorrow (pray for me - its my first time painting). She wants to move in on November 15, which rocks.

And (Sound of crashing symbols) she wants to pay $400 a month, and help with the summer big electric utility. For however long she stays, this will be wonderful for me. It will at least make the difference on Christmas and will help toward building up the emergency fund after it dies when I pay off the ex hubby.

She has a dog and she came over to visit to see if the dogs got along and we had a lovely time. Her dog is very sweet.

Her present room mate is kind of a complete freakazoid on cleaning, and apparently my semi-messy house was a blessing.

We like to do some of the same things socially too, so we may end up combining some activities. Having someone around that I like is a blessing.

Whether it works out or not in long term, she is a very nice lady, one of the friends that my ex-husband ran off with his extreme rudeness. This will help her short-term at the very least, but I notice she felt very comfortable and talked about staying longer than a few months.

I'm so grateful. Wheee!

This last week and a half have been an adventure in hysteria. And I realized a lot of things about myself and my view of being frugal too.

1) Frugality can be a way of self-punishment, a way of saying "I don't deserve anything because I'm a bad person," instead of what frugality is meant to be, which is a form of personal empowerment, and of nuturing oneself. I found myself not eating very much, because I felt like I had screwed up my life. I made stringent plans to not have fun. Then a good friend who knows me smacked me upside the head (er, philosophically only) and reminded me what being frugal was, and what it wasn't.

2) Frugality is not hording. Hording things you don't need and can't take care of, is not being frugal. When I did my audit of my food cupboard, I found cans that were waaaay past expiration date. They were unsafe and taking up space. Now the top of the closet that has a month's worth of toilet paper that I try to buy only on sale - that's frugality and not hording. Having a stock of what I need and use so I don't have to buy it at full price - that's essentially frugal.

3) Frugality doesn't mean you shouldn't do short term things that you love or that benefit you. I took my first real vacation in years, i.e. 2 weeks. I spent $185 on a painting for my living room that brought me to tears with its beauty. That's an investment for my spirit.

Now I'm saying all this not to preach to the choir but to remind myself what it is. Finding out I owe my ex-hubby so much has really thrown me for a loop and frightened me. My emotions have been up and down.

In the next month or so, I'm going to be tightening my belt even more than usual, because I don't know what's going to happen yet with my 401K. I might not have enough funding in it to finance what I owe the ex. I may end up cleaning out my hard-built up savings for emergencies and yearly expenses.

Because of my childhood, I must remind myself, that this doesn't mean I'm a bad person (maybe stupid and trusting for marrying him in the first place - i just don't know) and that I don't deserve any kind of punishment. Being frugal must not be a way of punishing myself or even controlling another person. It must be a discipline and way of life that blesses my life, leading to serenity, not to stress.

There, later on when I'm freaking out again, I shall reread this, and perhaps smile and remind myself of the path I have set for myself.

God bless ya all.